What Christmas Means...

By Taarna

There's a good reason why The Hanson Variety Hour would never quite make a great show. For a moment, let's take a look into a truly scary Christmas special episode:

[picture intro: the guys filmed from an early photo shoot where they throw fake snow and strangle Isaac with the Christmas lights to the tune of "What Christmas Means To Me", sung by Zac from the Snowed In album. A voice over begins reading off the various guests]

A wide stage is decorated with a Christmas theme, a fake fireplace, a tall tree with presents, a snowy window, and three different size boxes that look like presents are placed in front of all this in the center. The three gather around and each take a box to sit with big grins on their faces. They're dressed in colorful sweaters and jeans, well, except for Taylor, who has decided to wear pleather pants and a scarf with his sweater. Zac and Isaac have decided to ignore this, because they're used to it. Finally, as the music dies down, Taylor begins to speak...

Taylor: Heloo everyone! Welcome to the Hanson Variety Hour. Sit back, because we're going to have tons of fun. Tons of fun!

Zac: Our special guests today include...N*STYNC!
Isaac: Don't you mean, N*Sync?
Zac: You've obviously never stood next to one of them!
Taylor: Ha!

Taylor: Anyhow...

[Taylor looks to Zac with a "shut up!" expression, audience laughs]

[Suddenly, Justin Timberlake walks out on the stage]

Justin: You little punk! I'm going to kick your ass!
Taylor: Justin, chill... we're on the air, man, *cough* lawsuit?
Justin: Oh yeah. Hi everyone! Just a little inside joke here between me and my buddy Zac here. [cheesy grin]
Zac: Ha! Right. We all know the only ass you can kick is a teenage girl's ass...
Zac: Hey Justin! Britney called - she wants her tube top back!
Taylor: Down, Zac.
Zac: Whatever... retard.

[Taylor ignores him, Justin leaves]

Taylor: We'd also like to give a big, warm welcome to another couple of famous brothers - Nick and Aaron Carter!

[Zac rolls his eyes, distracting Taylor again]

Taylor: what?
Zac: [speaking loudly] I thought this was a VARIETY hour!
Taylor: I haven't finished yet!

[Isaac tries to keep smiling but begins to look annoyed]

Taylor: I'm really exited about this guest - it's Alex, from the group Phantom Planet!!
Zac: [to Taylor] are you sure that's a good idea? I mean there are rumors...
Taylor: [to Zac] I'm just trying to show everyone that we're just best buds is all.

Taylor: And what show wouldn't be complete without a performance by...US!
Isaac: Oh there's a shocker, what show haven't we performed on?
Zac: Queer As Folk?

[Zac gets slapped on the back of the head by Taylor, clearly offended]

Taylor: You know what, we're going to get to our first guests...

[someone walks onstage quickly to hand Isaac a note]

Isaac: Oh dear...it looks like N*Sync had to leave. What is that?
Isaac: [looks closer] Ah, they had an emergency tour.
Taylor: They left for an emergency tour?
Zac: Yeah, any tour that might sell an album for them is an emergency!

[all three laugh, audience laughs]

Taylor: In that case then, let's say heloo to Nick and Aaron Carter!

[audience applauses]

[Nick walks onstage, alone, with a fake smile]

Taylor: Heloo, Nick. Great to have you on the show.
Zac: Where's Aaron?
Nick: He couldn't make it, he wasn't feeling well.
Taylor: It's ok, I hope he gets better.
Zac: Yeah, better than his last album.

[Isaac snickers]

Taylor: What are your plans, now that the 'boy bands' are going out of style?
Nick: Going out of style, what do you mean?
Zac: What he means is, how do you feel about your albums not selling anymore?
Nick: Oh... well, I guess I feel like you guys.

[audience is quiet, Hanson is quiet, Taylor looks annoyed]

Taylor: Allright. Forget that question.
Taylor: Are you going back out on tour?
Nick: Well, AJ's taking some time off, so we may go on a break for a while.
Zac: Like you have a choi...

[Isaac elbows Zac]

Taylor: Well, thanks for being on our show, Nick.
Nick: No problem... I think.

Taylor: [smiling again] And now I'd like to welcome a friend of mine...
Zac: [making kissing noises, mocking] 'My boyfriend Alex,' right Taylor?

[Taylor's face turns bright red]

Taylor: I've had it! I'm going to go join Alex for a game of pool.
Zac: We all know what you mean by that!
Taylor: You know what, Zac? SHUT UP!
Zac: I'm gonna go post that on Hanson.net!
Taylor: Whatever, I don't care.

Isaac: [interrupts, trying to save] That's right folks, join Hanson.net, for all the latest news and tour info!

[Zac and Taylor get up and leave on opposite sides of the stage]

Isaac: Well, that's all folks!

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