It Doesn't Mean Love's Gone

By Caitlin

I sighed looking at the words I had just written. It was funny how those words fit just how I felt. Silently, I read the words over to myself.

‘Watching you from across a darkened room

My love, my life, my everything

Wanting to be with you in ways I’ve only dreamed

Hoping that if I reach out my hand I could touch your heart

‘Cause you’re so close but just out of my reach’

A few stray tears formed in my eyes as I thought of my relationship with Isaac. He had been my best friend since we were kids. We were always together. "Joined at the hip" as my mother would say. I remembered all the times our parents would make comments on how perfect we were together. They always said they could see us married. Isaac and I used to think they were insane. It was just too weird for us to be together in that sense, then again we were just kids, eight or nine at the most. I stayed in that state of mind until I reached the age of fifteen when I realized that Isaac was more than just a friend in my eyes. I never told him though. I was just too afraid of scaring him way. And besides he still made cracks about how weird it would be if we were together. When Isaac was sixteen he and his brother’s finally had made it big in the music business. So now I had to share him with the world. Don’t get me wrong I understand just how much music means to him.

Just earlier tonight, we were out talking in the old tree house. I was amazed that it still stood. We were both now 18, adults in the eyes of the law, but we still felt like children. I knew he would have to return to LA soon. The new album still had a lot of work left. But until then I was enjoying the company of my best friend. At one point it had become dead silent. I looked into Isaac’s eyes. There was hurt in them. I could tell.

"Ike, my man what’s wrong?" I asked him. Isaac just plainly shrugged his shoulders. I looked at him. Something was bothering him and I knew it. Why wouldn’t he just tell me? "Isaac, I know there’s something wrong. Now just tell me what it is."

Letting out a defeated sigh he answered, "Well, there’s this girl..........."

I felt my heart flutter. Maybe this was my chance. Maybe tonight was the night my dreams would finally come true. "Go on," I insisted.

"I really care about her but..... I just don’t know how to approach her," My heart was literally pounding in my chest. "She’s constantly surrounded by guys." My heart sank. No, it wasn’t me. I wasn’t the one he was in love with. It would never be me. Never. "She doesn’t even look at me in that way. I mean......God I feel so stupid. Why would she even look at me like that?"

"Well who ever she is, she’s a fool. You’re an amazing person Isaac. Such an amazing person. So many girls would kill to have a guy like you. Believe me. If she doesn’t care about you the way you do about her then just let it go. It’s not worth the pain. You deserve better. But if she really means that much to you......... Then I guess you should just keeping holding on. Who knows maybe someday she’ll return those feelings."

Isaac smiled at me. It was a smile that I swear could melt ice. "Thanks Mar. You’re such a great friend. I don’t know what I would do without you." The words stung but they touched me as well. But I knew the sad fact was he doesn’t feel the way I do. It’s just as simple as that. Oh how I wish I was that girl. I should be that girl. I could make him so happy.

I simply smiled and nodded my head. There was no way I could change his feelings. I didn’t have the power to. We talked for a little while longer before I finally left. All the way home tears poured down my face. The one chance I had at having any of my dreams come true was now shattered. I had been losing so much faith in myself and Isaac was the only thing keeping me from losing it all. But now that shelter I thought I knew was altered. I just can’t deal with it anymore.

I placed the words in an envelope and wrote his name on the front of it. Tears streamed down my face as I picked up the bottle of pills that sat on the counter next to me. This was my only way out. My only freedom from the pain. I poured a handful of pills into my hand and then poured them down my throat. I closed my eyes and waited for them to take their affect.


The phone rang, waking me from my sleep. I stood and clumsily stumbled to the phone. The name in the caller id box read ‘ Kessler, Mary.’ A smile spread across my face. "Mar, hey," I said cheerfully into the phone.

"Isaac this is Mrs. Kessler," the voice of Mary’s mother answered. Her voice was quiet and full of pain. "I...I hate to have to tell you this but Mary..... Mary killed herself early this morning."

I nearly dropped the phone. Mary? My Mary dead? No it was impossible. I just talked to her last night. She was fine. She has to be fine, my mind screamed. Tears were pouring down my face. "No......No she can’t be dead," I replied in disbelief.

"She is Isaac. She is."

Why? My mind screamed, Why would she kill herself? Mary had so much going for her? "Why?" Was the only thing I could bare to ask her mother.

"I....I guess the divorce was just too hard on her," Mrs. Kessler answered, "I also noticed that a lot of her friends had stopped coming around. It just was such a tough time for her."

"She...she never talked about any of this to me. Why couldn’t she have just talked to me?" I said more to myself than to her mother. She was my best friend. Why didn’t I notice?

"I....Isaac. She-she left something for you...."

"I’ll be right over," I answered. I hung up the phone feeling numb inside. My best friend in the whole world was gone. And I should have been able to stop it.

I somberly pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I grabbed the car keys and unlocked the drivers side door of the forest green Jeep Grand Cherokee that sat in the driveway. In silence I drove to Mary’s. I parked the car in the Kessler’s driveway and walked to the front door. The door opened as I approached. Mrs. Kessler’s eyes and face were red and swollen from crying. Carefully she pulled me into a hug. She them let me go and handed me the envelope. Across the front of the envelope was my name in Mary’s handwriting. I opened it and pulled out a piece of paper. I read the words Mary had written.

‘Watching you from across a darkened room

My love, my life, my everything

Wanting to be with you in ways I’ve only dreamed

Hoping that if I reach out my hand I could touch your heart

‘Cause you’re so close but just out of my reach’

Tears filled my eyes. "You were wrong Mary. You mean everything to me. Everything."


‘Mary was a young girl with a young girl’s heart/ But all I can remember was I loved her from the start/ But I was her’s forever/ She was mine too/ But something’s wrong/ ‘Cause now she’s gone/ Tell me what should I do/ In this life long love song/ You can love right/ You can love wrong/ In this long song you can love long/ But if you love wrong/ It doesn’t mean love’s gone.....’

I read over the lyrics I had just finished writing. They brought tears to my eyes. I sighed, it was a fitting tribute to the woman I had loved and lost.

"Isaac you there?" my younger brother Taylor asked.

"Yeah. I finished the song. I finally found that second verse."

Taylor weakly smiled, "Can I see it?"

I nodded my head, "Sure."

Taylor silently read over the lyrics. "Ike, that’s great. We really should put this on the album."

"Yeah. In her memory," I agreed. I stood and followed my brother into the studio to inform Zac of our decision. Zac quickly agreed and we set foot in the studio and began recording the song. I know that whenever I preform this song my thoughts will always be with her. There is now a way I will ever be able to forget how much she meant to me.

*The End*

Musical Credit:
* Hanson "Love Song"

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