[HANSON STORIES]

You're All I'm Living For

By Caitlin



It had just started to rain. The tiny droplets falling from the sky hit him one by one. Though it was freezing outside, he barely noticed. The thoughts of her filled his mind. Pushing a clump of his dirty blonde hair out of his face, he raised his head to look up at the now darkening sky.

He could see her everywhere. No matter where he turned or how he focused his attention, she was always there. It was apparent that there was no forgetting her. "Hey Taylor," the voice of his younger brother, Zac called.

"What are you doing out here? Have you lost your mind?"

Taylor chuckled. "If only Zac knew how right he was," he thought. Sighing Taylor answered his brotherís question, "Sorry I was caught up in my thoughts." Taylor had now become aware of the pouring rain that had engulfed him. "I guess we should head in, right?"

Zac looked at his elder brother, "No really," he replied sarcastically. He found Taylorís recent behavior quite strange. He had to admit his brother was weird to begin with but the way that Taylor had been ignoring what was occurring around him and the fact that he was completely oblivious to the fact that everyone in his family was greatly concerned for him had made Zac worried. This was not typical Tay behavior.

Taylor had been moping around for the past four months since they had left Maryland. He was incredibly moody and snapped at just about everybody. Also at times he seemed to just shut out the whole world and got lost in his own thoughts.

Zac walked back inside the house with Taylor following behind him. As Taylor entered the living room Zac took the opportunity to confront his brother about his unusual behavior.

"Tay, what the hellís wrong with you?"

Taylor looked at Zac without saying a word. It wasnít that he didnít want to talk about what had occurred. In fact that was just what he had wanted to do. It was just that the whole situation was too painful and hard to talk about. Taking a deep breath he knew he would have to give Zac some kind of answer. He knew Zac wouldnít let him off the hook without one. "Letís just say I made a big mistake and Iím suffering the consequences." Taylor then turned and walked silently towards his room. Zac stood in the middle of the living room. He now knew that something was bothering Tay and that he needed to find out exactly what that something was.

He sat on the couch trying to think of situations that Taylor could have been referring to. Nothing major seemed to pop into his mind. Zac jumped when he heard the front door open. "Itís really pouring out there," his eldest brother, Isaac, commented. He climbed the stairs and placed his sopping jacket in the bathtub before returning to the living room.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," Zac replied. Then he was struck with a thought. What if Isaac knew? "Hey Ike.....Have you.....Um...noticed anything weird about Tayís behavior lately?"

Isaac looked at his younger brother. He could see the concern deeply rooted in his caramel eyes, "Yeah, I have."

"Do you know whatís causing him to act this way?" Zac pleaded.

Isaac thought about how he was going to answer this. The truth was that he did know, but he had promised Taylor that he wouldnít talk about it unless Taylor had given him permission to.

"Please Ike youíve gotta tell me. Somethingís not right. Taylor said so himself. What did he do? I know you know Ike. Iím not that stupid," Zac pressed. He wanted answers and he wanted them right then and there.

Isaac looked at Zac unable to decide what to do. He had promised Taylor but Zac was so concerned. Where exactly did his loyalty as big brother lie? How was he supposed to handle the situation? In his mind, Isaac out weighed each possibility that he had. If he told Zac Taylor would be pissed but in the long run it might help everyone out and maybe snap Taylor out of his trance like state. But on the other hand, if he didnít tell Zac..... Well then Zac would hound him until he did tell or he figured things out on his own. Taylor wouldnít be pissed but then again Zac would be. And when Zac was pissed he made your life a living hell.

He was stuck. "Damn why am I always the middle guy?" Isaac thought. It was the truth. No matter what the situation Isaac somehow ended up in the middle of it. And no matter what somebody was pissed at him.

"Zac, sit, this is going to take a while...." He began. "Do you remember.....?"

Taylor sat on his bed with his head in his hands. Everything seemed to be spinning wildly out of control. God Tay get a grip on yourself, he cursed silently. Standing he walked to the desk that sat in the corner of the bedroom. Pulling open the drawer, he pulled out a framed photograph. In it he sat with a petite brunette. He had his arms wrapped around her waist and they both had goofy smiles plastered on their faces.

Gently, he rubbed a finger over her face. How he missed her so. She was his ray of sunshine. His angel. They had been together for the better part of two years. He loved her dearly and she loved him. They were as close as close could be. When he was with her he felt free he felt liberated. He felt like nothing and no one could bring him down. But now that he was without her he felt lonely and vulnerable. He had been so strong but the strength he possessed seemed to almost disappear without her.

If only he hadnít be so careless with her feeling and with his actions. He took her love for granted and now that he was without it he realized just how important she was to him. He replayed the last time he had seen her over and over again in his mind.

They had been in her apartment talking about little things. It was the day that Taylor had told her that he and his brothers would be returning to their Tulsa home. She had been upset but optimistic saying that they could still make the relationship work. With phone calls, e-mails and letters their relationship could be salvaged from the blows that it would receive from the distance between them. He knew she had a point but he wasnít so sure. He had seen his brothersí long distance relationships crumbled from the distance and pain of not be able to be together. He didnít want that to be the fate of their relationship.

Instead of agreeing to try he simply stated that it would be too difficult and the relationship would most likely fall apart. He had told her that maybe it was best to just end it there and save them the pain he was so sure would follow. Taylor mentally kicked himself. He had been so stupid. Giving up on the thing that meant as much to him as the music he and his brotherís had created. She had been upset and tried so hard to get him to change his mind. But Taylor wouldnít budge from his standpoint. It broke his heart to see his true loveís eyes fill with pain and tears. He was breaking her heart and he knew it. The guilt washed over him but in his mind there was no other solution but the one that he was offering her. After she dried her tears she told him goodbye and asked him to leave. Taylor obliged to her command and left.

Now he wished there were some way he could turn back time and fix things. He wished hopelessly for one small chance to make things right again between them. So many times he had tried to call her. He had gotten as far as dialing the first three digits before the fear took over. Would she even want to talk to him? Would she listen? And if she did, would she even care?

The soft rasping on the closed bedroom door brought Taylor out of his deep thoughts. He steadied his voice, "Come in." The door slowly creaked open. In the doorway stood both Isaac and Zac. Taylor knew by the look on both their faces that Zac had been informed of his brotherís dilemma.

"Tay," he began. "Talk to her. You have to." Taylor studied his brotherís expression. He knew that Zac was serious.

"She wonít speak to me. I know she wonít," he replied.

Zac walked to the desk where Taylor was sitting and handed him the portable phone that sat upon it.

"Call her. Youíve got to have a little faith. Donít give up yet."

Taylor grabbed the phone with his trembling hand. Silently he dialed the number that he had remembered so well. The phone rang twice before it was answered.

"Hello?" her sweet voice filled his ears.

Taking a deep breath he began to sing the song he knew touched her heart.

Ď Listen please

Baby, donít walk out that door

Iím on my knees

Youíre all Iím living for


I never thought Iíd be speaking these words

Heaven thought Iíd find a way

Another day alone is more than I can take


Wonít you save me

Cause savingís what I need

I just wanna be by your side

Wonít you save me

I donít wanna be

Just drifting through this sea of life...í


The lyrics had never been more true to him than at that very moment. "Tay?" she asked. Her voice was quiet and cautious.

"Jess," he began. "Iím so sorry. Please give me one more chance." His voice pleaded.

There was a uneasy silence between them. It was almost unbearable for Taylor. The fear of rejection was filling his mind. The three words that she spoke next were three that he would cherish. "I forgive you."


The End

Musical Credit:
*Hanson "Save Me"



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